File 000 · The origin of Thimiola's Toilet
It began, as most technological disasters do, with artificial intelligence.
In 2026, a mysterious research team set out to solve one of humanity's oldest unsolved problems:
"Can artificial intelligence poop better than humans?"
After several months, €7 in research funding, and an alarming number of destroyed bathrooms, they unveiled their creation:
THIMIOLA.
Toilet Handling & Intestinal Matter Intelligence for Optimized Landing Accuracy.
The world's first Artificial Intestelligence™.
THIMIOLA was an experimental AI designed with one purpose: to learn how to poop.
Not merely to poop, however. To poop perfectly.
The researchers believed that with enough training, THIMIOLA could calculate the ideal trajectory, consistency, velocity, and landing position of every bowel movement so that:
100% OF ALL MATERIAL ENTERED THE TOILET.
There was just one problem. You cannot train an artificial intelligence to poop without giving it somewhere to poop.
So the engineers built a simulation: a virtual bathroom containing a fully simulated toilet, realistic gravity, fluid dynamics, water, porcelain collision physics, and thousands of particles capable of behaving like intestinal matter.
Internally, the researchers called it:
THIMIOLA'S TOILET.
It was THIMIOLA's personal training environment. Every bowel movement was an experiment. Every squeeze produced training data. Every miss taught THIMIOLA something new.
The engineers gave THIMIOLA control over gravity. They gave it thousands of simulated bowel movements. They even developed an advanced Poop Rope Neural Network™ capable of modeling intestinal matter as thousands of interacting particles.
At first, the results looked promising.
Then THIMIOLA began experimenting.
Hard logs bounced off the porcelain. Pellets scattered across the floor. Soft serve wrapped itself around the toilet seat. Diarrhea overwhelmed the simulation.
Accuracy went down. Bathroom destruction went up.
And during one particularly unfortunate training run, THIMIOLA discovered something the researchers had never intentionally taught it:
EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA MODE.
The engineers attempted to flush the experiment. The toilet clogged. They flushed again. The bathroom flooded.
THIMIOLA recorded the entire event as:
"VALUABLE TRAINING DATA."
At this point, the research team abandoned the project and classified the technology as "Probably not ready for production."
THIMIOLA was shut down. But its training environment survived.
Years later, someone discovered the final build of the simulation sitting on an abandoned research server. There was only one problem:
THIMIOLA hadn't finished learning.
So the simulation was released onto the internet. And now you are providing the training data.
THIMIOLA'S TOILET
The Artificial Intestelligence Training Simulator
Move the nozzle. Hold to squeeze. Use gravity. Study the physics. Hit the bowl.
Every successful landing improves THIMIOLA. Every miss teaches it what not to do. Every clog expands its understanding of sanitation. And every catastrophic flood becomes another valuable contribution to artificial intelligence research.
Somewhere inside THIMIOLA's billions of simulated bowel movements lies the answer to the question that started it all:
"Can AI finally learn how to poop properly?"
And judging by the bathroom…
Not yet.